Being married to an alcoholic is a difficult position to be in. You may be unsure what to do as far as your spouse’s alcoholism is concerned as well as what the best steps are in relation to your marriage as a whole, any children that you two have and otherwise.
Complicating things is that alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning that it generally worsens as time passes if there is no treatment. Also, it can develop slowly, which can result in you not realizing that you are the wife of an alcoholic until things have become overwhelming.
Perhaps your marriage has become distant and unloving and possesses a lot of tension and stress. Maybe your children are regularly in a state of fear and nervousness. Whatever the specific circumstances are in your case, you have realized that things need to change.
Fortunately, there are resources that you can take advantage of to both help your spouse start to gain control of their life and assist you in taking care of your own well-being. You should note that the latter point is the one that you should focus on more.
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Understanding Alcoholism in a Relationship
Alcoholism usually has a profound impact on a relationship.
It tends to powerfully affect you and others living in your home on an emotional level. For example, some spouses of alcoholics may blame themselves for their partner’s alcoholism. In many cases, family members and others at your home may feel like they are walking on eggshells when your alcoholic husband has been drinking and lashes out for seemingly random and unexpected reasons.
Psychological impacts of being married to an alcoholic partner can be serious as the wife in this situation has a significant risk of developing depression or other mental health issues.
Also of note, domestic violence is more likely in a home in which someone is addicted to alcohol.
An alcoholic has the potential to ruin a family’s finances as well, not just through buying all of those drinks at bars, clubs and stores but also through the making of poor financial decisions while drunk. This can significantly affect your own finances and your ability to care for your children.
Also take note of common patterns of behavior that are often exhibited by an alcoholic towards their wife and others. Manipulation and lying may become commonplace, especially if doing so helps them continue drinking. Broken promises can occur, such as promising to pick up the children after school and stopping at a bar instead, not returning home until well after midnight. And there is the issue of an alcoholic, especially a functioning alcoholic, not admitting that their drinking is causing issues. This is especially difficult when the alcoholic parent refuses to acknowledge the impact their drinking has on the children.
Signs of Codependency and Enabling Behavior
It is natural to want to help your partner, not just with their alcoholism but in other aspects of their life. However, doing things that you view as helpful that are related to their alcohol use disorder may not have the beneficial impact that you think they do.
Simply put, you should avoid codependency tendencies and enabling behavior.
What are codependency tendencies and enabling behavior? In this type of setting, it can mean that you are doing things like calling into their work to tell them that your spouse will not be coming in today because they caught a flu when what actually happened is that they crashed and are still out after binge drinking. Another example could be using your income to cover up the gambling that your spouse engaged in while drunk.
You should not help them cover up their drinking or negative effects of it as they should experience the full consequences of what they are doing. Allowing the latter to happen benefits both of you as it will likely help them ultimately seek addiction treatment and allow you to focus on taking care of yourself and other loved ones in your family.
Also, make sure that if you communicate consequences, such as moving out if your spouse once again forgets to pick up your daughter from soccer practice, you fully intend to follow through with them and do so if necessary.
Coping Strategies for Wives of Alcoholics
One of the ways to cope with this challenging situation is to remind yourself that you did not cause it. Not only that, but, despite you likely desperately wanting to, you cannot control their drinking, and you cannot cure their alcohol abuse. Yes, you can help, but, ultimately, them seeking help and gaining control over their situation is something that they have to do on their own.
In the meantime, take care of yourself and prioritize your mental health during this difficult time. Engage in exercise or meditation. Focus on new hobbies or old ones that you have not had much time for lately. Spend more time with others who you care for.
You may want to take advantage of individual or group therapy as well. There are also several support groups that could assist you during this challenging time, one of them being Al-Anon; it focuses on people who have been impacted by someone else’s alcoholism.
In addition to considering these coping strategies, set healthy boundaries, especially with your spouse but also with others in your life.
When to Consider an Intervention
In some circumstances, you may want to consider an intervention.
What is an intervention? It is a gathering of two or more people, at a minimum the one who is suffering from substance abuse and someone who cares for them, with the intent to communicate how much their alcoholism is affecting others. These are normally done in a nonthreatening manner; in fact, being aggressive during an intervention is usually counterproductive.
One of the main reasons to do an intervention is if the alcoholic does not realize how much their actions are impacting others as it is unfair to expect change from someone who does not know they are causing harm.
An intervention may be done in a variety of ways. A couple of the most common options is a simple intervention and a classic intervention. The former involves just one other person, perhaps yourself, as that latter individual communicates the negative impacts of the other’s alcoholism. Meanwhile, a classic intervention consists of a gathering of numerous people with the alcoholic but is otherwise conducted in a similar manner.
In either case, a professional should be consulted for advice beforehand. You should also have at least one other person nearby if a classic intervention is done in the event that the situation turns dangerous. Also make sure that the alcoholic is sober when the intervention takes place; even if it took a lot of effort to gather everyone at the same time and at the same place for this, it is better to cancel it and do it at a different time and place if the person who is being focused on is not of sound mind.
The trained professionals at Long Island Treatment Center can help arrange and otherwise prepare for an intervention.
Treatment and Support Options
There are several treatment programs and support options for those struggling with alcohol addiction who are ready for them.
Detoxification should be the first step in many cases. This is primarily because engaging in alcohol detox on their own can be life-threatening, particularly if the drinking problem has been heavy or going on for an extensive time period. In addition, the mental struggles that are experienced during this time can be challenging.
In any case, a succeeding alcohol rehab program will help recovery stick, an important step as detox is rarely effective on its own. Those who take advantage of rehab can utilize inpatient or outpatient programs; inpatient is recommended in most situations, at least until the drinker no longer has a chemical dependency.
Meanwhile, therapy and support groups can help those with alcohol problems, their spouse and other family members navigate this challenging transition. These support groups can also help family members develop healthy coping mechanisms.
As the wife of an alcoholic, do your best to communicate to your spouse that there is a way out of this, that there is a new life that can be experienced. From an alcoholic’s perspective, they can feel trapped in their circumstances and feel like there is no way out, and simply telling them that there really is can be of such help, even if it may not seem so at the time. Remind them that they can stop drinking and that there are effective ways to mitigate the negative effects of alcohol.
Conclusion
You are not alone in your struggles. There are people out there who understand what you are going through, and there are those who know this firsthand as their own spouses are alcoholics. However, even if you realize this, your circumstances can still feel overwhelming. For that reason, also note that there is help that you can take advantage of, whether through Al-Anon or otherwise, as well as resources that can help your alcoholic spouse. Seeking professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you feel like you could use some assistance, reach out. Prioritizing self-care during this difficult time is crucial, both for you and your significant other.
Long Island Treatment Center can be one of those resources as we provide intervention support, treatment options and assistance for alcoholics and their family members, including you. Consider also the benefits of family therapy to help everyone navigate the challenges of alcoholism.